I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
