so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
