omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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