idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
