I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
