i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
