This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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