I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
