atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
