Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
