Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
