I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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