Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
They are going to name an STD after you.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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