Well douche your snatch and let's go!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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