i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I deserve this hangover.
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