we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
