Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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