One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
