woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
