Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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