I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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