So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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