i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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