maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
