I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
