shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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