her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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