4 words: hood of his car
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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