ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
