my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
