You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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