even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
