U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
