Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
