I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
