please come you make the beer taste better
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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