there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
