I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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