I just pynch a tree in the face
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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