I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
