Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
