Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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