He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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