It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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