you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
