The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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