for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
