Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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