why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
