his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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