I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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