Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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