My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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